Getting Over Baby Fears

I've written and rewritten this post a bunch of times. I've thought over what I should say, how I should say it. What would people think, would it seem like I was looking for pity?.. And then I stopped, and decided it was something that was on my heart and I was just going to write, to be honest with where I am and the struggles I've come against.

So let's start. 

As some of you know, when we found out we were pregnant with our first baby, we were so happy. Like over the moon ecstatic. Then when we went in for our first appointment we found out it was, unfortunately, an ectopic pregnancy. 

We were demolished. Our choices were to either take meds to abort the pregnancy, or wait a little while and see if the pregnancy ended naturally. After spending hours crying and praying and crying, Matthew and I decided to wait and see if it would happen naturally. 

It did. 

To be honest, the physical pain was so much easier to bear than the emotional hurt we were feeling. 

We lost our baby. And we didn't even know what to call our child, was it a she? A he? To be honest, I'm still grieving. 

But by grace, we pressed on. 

And we found out a little over a month later, we were expecting again. What a mixed up jumble of emotions we were then! Excitement, grief, fear, thankfulness, we didn't know what we were feeling when. 

Thankfully, this pregnancy went perfectly, and our little babe Lily is such a beautiful reminder that grace is sufficient and that God is good, even when you don't understand the hardships in life. 

Fast foreword one crazy, hectic, tearful, overwhelmingly awesome year, and we are now expecting our baby #3, Leon James. 

Praise God, everything is going perfectly. Our midwife practice that we go to says that we are doing great and are super encouraging. (BTW for anyone looking for midwives for their birth, I ADORE Syracuse Midwives here in Upstate New York. They are so knowledgeable and encouraging, and such a difference from my previous O.B. I wasn't paid to say that btw, I just truly believe in them and their business.)

Anyway, I'm being honest here when I say that I ask Matt, more often than I should, "What if I don't love him as much as Lily?" And that is my straight up fear, yo. I'm so scared that I can't love anyone else as much as I love our little Lily, our hope child. I've been told that your heart just gets bigger, and that Love doesn't divide, it multiplies, but I'm still scared. Matt says that these fears will dissipate as we get closer to meeting him. 

Honestly though, I'm 5+ months in and I just feel like a big round wrecking ball of emotions and hormones. Nine times out of ten I feel exhausted and don't want to do anything. Being pregnant with Lily was such a joy, but this time around, even though I love feeling him kick, I'm just tired. So. Tired. 

I just want to be done already. For. Reals. But, I know it will so totally be worth it. I'm just tired of not feeling like myself ya know? I feel like I'm constantly being tossed around by these waves of emotion that we call pregnancy. I want to be my good ole stable self again. 

I think that once Leon is born, I'll be able to post about how much my heart has grown and it's capacity to love another sweet babe. I'll post pictures about our beautiful baby boy and how much of my heart he's stolen. 

But until then, I'm going to be right here, trying to survive the daily routine. Learning to keep up with a toddler, housework, and still get rest for this pregnant momma. So a shout out to you pregnant momma's, I'm so right there with ya. You are not alone in your exhausted, emotional pregnancy. :) So take heart, it's only a season. 

Xoxo,

Samantha