When Matthew and I became engaged, I remember asking around to some trusted ladies about what words of wisdom they had concerning marriage and what they wished someone would have told them. I got a lot of funny one liners and some very serious and awesome advice. Now, after nearly two years of marriage (a long time I know, haha) I wanted to share with others the few words of wisdom and some personal experiences that I have clung onto.
1. Love and Respect:
First, I believe that you need to show your husband respect in public and in private. It's very difficult to show respect to someone in public if privately you don't respect them. Your marriage will die a slow and painful death should you not show your man this respect. Respect to a man is like love is to a woman. It's a deep seated need that needs to be shown. I believe also that you are called to show your husband respect whether or not you think he deserves it. Verse 33 in the following passage says that wives are to respect their husbands. There is no clause, no exceptions, no only if's. He is now the head of the house and is leading your family of two or however many and as the head of this family you are called to respect him. I believe it says a lot about this in the passage below.
Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
To the man, you must show your wife love. You are called to love her as Christ loves the Church, which is an unconditional, sacrificial love. There are no exceptions for this as well. She needs your love and without it, your marriage will struggle greatly. Marriage is meant to bring each other closer to Christ, so when you get into a spat don't be afraid to talk things out. Your spouse isn't a mind reader and most likely they aren't catching those "hints" that you're dropping. If you notice that this is a rather touchy point in your marriage, you should pick up the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson. It's a great resource and I think that it will help and influence a marriage as long as the couples are truly starting with an open heart and mind.
2. Never Go to Bed Angry:
There have been many times that Matthew and I have had disagreements. I was told before we were married though, by numerous people to never go to bed angry as it will keep the hurt and anger festering into bitterness that will poison your heart and ruin your marriage from the inside out. Sometimes it's a pride issue, we need to sit down and talk things out instead of yelling or fighting and maybe, just maybe we need to suck it up and apologize even when we think we are right. Because when it comes down to it, is winning an argument more important than our marriage?
3. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise:
Alright so this one is something I'm still learning. Matthew and I are two different people with two completely different backgrounds and we grew up knowing two totally different ways of doing things. Now that we are married and living under the same roof we are learning that the way we do something isn't the only way and sometimes it's not necessarily the best way. For example, Matt grew up with casseroles for dinner, and I grew up with venison, hamburger helper and fish sticks (at least that's what I remember… Love you Mom! haha). So when we got married and were trying to make dinners together, it was quite an eye opener for the both of us. So take note newlyweds, and even not so newlyweds, compromise is so very important for the health of your marriage.
4. Realize You Married a Sinner:
Alrighty, here's one that is thrust upon you really quickly. You married a sinner. GET. THAT. THROUGH. YOUR. HEAD. Did you get that? Good, because this is something that you will have to remember for the rest of your life. That wonderfully amazing person that you have married or are about to marry, will hurt you. You will see the pitfalls after you start living together. There are so many different ways that this will manifest itself so I'll keep this one short, but remember dear friend that the love of your life will fall short, and so will you! Just remember to extend grace when their sin gets the best of them because you aren't perfect either.
5. Maintain Your Individuality:
So this one I'm just learning the importance of now. I have realized that Matthew and I like different things (contrary to our dating experience haha) and that this is totally fine. Even though I am a Wife and a Mother, I am also Samantha, a 22 year old who likes to go for long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners…haha but really, there are things that I do to relax and enjoy myself and there are things that Matthew does. For example, I would LOVE to just sit in a bay window with a blanket and a good book, or go for a walk in the sunshine. Matthew loves to relax via his favorite game or sit with a good cup of joe. These differences are totally fine and necessary for us to maintain who we are. Also now that we are parents we are also trying to find a balance between raising our daughter, who takes up a lot of time, and stoking the fire of our marriage. We don't want to be those people who, after we have an empty nest, don't recognize the person we are married to! Thus maintaining our individuality as a couple and personally is important. No one should become wholly wrapped up in someone else and lose themselves.
So there you go! The words of wisdom and some personal experiences that I've had that I believe need to be passed on to the next set of newlyweds and anyone who hasn't heard these before. Although this is written for married couples, I believe that anyone can take some of these and apply them to their lives.
What are some things that you have learned or heard through your marriage or through others? What words of wisdom would you pass on?
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