It's difficult to be ok with selfish behavior when your Hubs is almost always thoughtful and selfless. (disclaimer: He is not perfect, but he is an amazing husband, father, and all around man. And I firmly believe that I am the luckiest woman alive!)
So for those who know me (and don't), I'm not a very intentional person. I am used to living by the seat of my pants, soaring on the wings of my emotions and sometimes (read: almost always…) that causes me to think thoughts and do things that aren't right. I take things and people for granted, and sometimes I am rather egotistical. Although I believe that last little bit only rears its ugly head when I am super insecure…really.
Anyway, I've taken to learning how to become more intentional, as a wife, a mother, and a person in general. As you can tell, I've realized that I am really very selfish. I'm rather proud that I've noticed this as it's obviously escaped me until recently.
How did I come across this revelation you ask? Well, let me tell you. First, my poor Hubs works an insane amount of hours most weeks as I am a stay at home mom. Now this isn't what makes me selfish but it is something that has started to make it glaringly obvious. As a stay at home mom, I have a lot more time on my hands that I did as a working woman.. kind of.
So I sat down with Matt and asked what would make his coming home super wonderful and cause him to look forward to it more than he already does. Things like a picked up living room, and a dinner on the stove are just two ideas we came upon. I was ready to jump on this and was gung-ho for doing this every day to make his 50 or 60+ hr work weeks easier to manage.
Yet there I was, not even two weeks later, watching countless episodes of whatever series on Netflix, "managing" our daughter as she plays with her toys. Now, nothing against watching shows or whatever, but I have noted for my own growth that when I watch things, I. can't. stop. Seriously, it's horrid!
I sit there, for hours watching episode after episode because I can't wait to see what happens next. As the hours until my love's return turns to minutes I still sit there, unaware until he arrives and then I feel guilty for not making dinner or cleaning! So I run around like a little dirt devil cleaning the living room and am stressed out and overwhelmed by the time he makes it to the door. (Gosh I'm freaking out just reading this!)
See where my selfishness comes in? I have hours and hours and hours a day to be intentional with the time given to me, to raise Lily and provide a welcoming home for Matthew. This isn't the only example by far, but it is one that has become a thorn in my heart. One that has caused me pain and one that I am vowing to change.
Selfishness will always be with me, at least until I reach Heaven. I don't expect to be selfless 100% of the time but I am going to work on being intentional and as Ephesians 5:16-17 says
"16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do."
So that is what I will do. I will make the most of every opportunity and not act thoughtlessly. I understand that the Lord calls me to seek Him and to carry my cross. I will do so and in the process learn intentionality and selflessness.
Pray for me as I continue this journey of seeking Christ and learning to die to my self and sinful nature.
How can I pray for you?
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