A Little Bit of Rambling

So, I'm sitting here during nap time and and thinking about how I should probably be posting on here haha. So here I am! I have noe idea really what I'm going to say, so let's just roll with it.

I've been learning lately that some little "habits" I have, could potentially be manifestations of some anxiety and depression issues, which make sense but is a bit weird to realize. My nail biting and poor hygiene, my tendency towards irritability and my general dislike of how I look and feel and my constant striving for perfection and crazy standards for myself even in homemaking. These are just some of the things that I have come to acknowledge. It's honestly a bit comforting to know that there is a reason behind why I feel like I'm going to explode most days, either in nervous energy or irritability. I now understand that I'm constantly moving or biting my nails because there is a constant state of anxiety that I live in, despite memorizing Philippians 4:6,7. I know that I should not be anxious and sometimes I don't realize I am. I have great days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I need to control everything around me because I can't control myself my emotions.

For example, yesterday and today I feel like I'm going to implode. I don't know why, and I don't think words could explain it. There is just this constant undercurrent...and sometimes a riptide, of anxiety. We went grocery shopping yesterday and Matt, bless his soul, had to help me deal with this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I couldn't focus on getting the food and what we needed because I was trying to keep the two kids from wandering and from fighting and it just wasn't working. I am soo soo grateful for Matt though because he reminded me that I'm not alone and that he is there to help with this.

I honestly right now hate that I am spilling my guts out like this. I should be ok, right? I mean seriously, who would think that I deal with anxiety and depression? I have a wonderful husband great in-laws, my family is doing well, we are in a great church family, and besides some work stuff going on, we are generally good. So why sometimes do I want to just hide in a corner and dissappear? Honestly, I wish I knew. I do pretty well though at functioning and taking care of everyone despite these things. Although, I could get better with decluttering and cleaning..but I'm assuming I'm not alone in that 😂...right?

Anyway, that's my rambling post for today..I'm going to go and pray because Jesus knows, I can't do anything without Him.

Oh and by the way, I was thinking about starting a YouTube channel because I feel like I might speak better than I write...let me know what you think?

Xoxo,
Samantha